Nov 15, 2008

Gone Fishin'

I'm suffering from a melancholy state of mind. No idea when or if it will lift, but it has settled, and I think I will take a leave from blogging. I can sense many reasons for it, the general malaise of my country being an obvious answer, but I usually manage to rise above that. I really do feel like a Jeremiah after the election. My brothers celebrated in the streets with Obama's victory, delirious with the idea of "real change", but somehow I feel it is all so staged, so pat... I guess that's what we are reduced to scrabbling over these days... the change. Meanwhile the fat cats continue to take all the cream. Jeremiahs are party poopers.

But it goes deeper than that. I was recently told that I was "demon possessed" by someone who I held in some regard. Not that I haven't been told that before. I'm demon possessed not because of my record of violent crime or anything like that, but just because I'm gay. It's especially great to be called demon possessed after you try to help someone out - an excellent incentive program!

I sorta thought I'd gotten way over that witchy charge, but the thing is, I've lately come to consider the reality of spirit entities that might be called demons, and considering my archetype theory, where all human beings are "avatars" of the spirits, then being "demon-possessed" is just a fact of life, not anything special. Still, I'd prefer a nice demon, one that doesn't totally trash the place.

And this week I read a tract that is essentially Neo-Calvinist in doctrine - Calvin being the cornerstone of the "predestined to damnation" doctrine so popular with the right crowd. Fags are always damned, kinda like Huckleberry Finn, except we didn't even DO anything obviously wicked like help a slave to escape, we're just damned for our lustful thoughts.

But, I think the real reason I'm so blue, is that I wonder why God doesn't answer prayers. I mean, MY prayers. Why not? Why the fuck NOT? Why doesn't God want the guy across the street to be cured from cancer? Why doesn't he want my own sister freed from alcoholism? Only a total JERK wouldn't answer prayers like that. The obvious answer is that he doesn't exist, so get over it. The typical Christian answer is that it's because he doesn't answer a fag's prayers, so again... get over it.

But it's not like the bible believing Christians are out there casting out devils themselves! Where are the miracles? Where ARE the fucking MIRACLES? It's a legit complaint, considering the bible is basically one long and tedious record of miracles. So basically, I'm at a "show me the money" stage. Which is... how long can I go on deluding myself that there is an omnipotent and loving cosmic super intelligence that gives a shit about tiny little intellects AKA human beings?

(OK, I just got a strange email seconds before I posted this, but it's not a miracle, it's just an email. So the post stands.)


Doug said...

I've been asking myself (and God)similar questions for the past 10 years. Still no answer. And so we beat on . . .

Hope your blues don't last too long.

Michael said...

Thanks Doug.

The Secret Sun said...

Everyone looks for scapegoats when the ship is sinking. You can swim and they can't, so hop into that big, welcoming ocean and let it take you to balmy, distant shores while the rest of them become fish shit.

Enjoy your break- I think time off is very important.

Jaspal said...

I'm sorry to hear that your going through a tough time, nice people always seem to suffer in this world. We all get to the "show me the money" stage, Jesus was asked during his time in India to show people a miracle and he replied "can you not see the miracle of life around you?". A lot of truth in that.

The last few weeks have finally lead me to the discovery of what life is all about, as the Buddha said, life is to suffer. We take the apple from the serpent, we go through toil and suffering, and this allows our spirit to develop and grow, it is why we are here.

It is a constant battle between the conscience and the ego, the ego wants you to define success by material needs and wants, while the conscience is drawing you away from these things. Just today I was watching Star Wars and I finally saw that Luke is consciousness and Hans is the Ego, they are two sides of the same person, the two serpents of the caduceus. Only when they join can they defeat evil.

So that's basically what life is, either do evil and be rewarded, or do good and be punished. The path of most resistance is like that for a reason. The Christians, Jews and Muslims are wrong, you don't do good deeds and expect to be rewarded in heaven, you do good because you follow your conscience and expect no reward in return. Don't listen to those ignorant morons, they wouldn't know what spirituality was even if it bit them in the ass.

We are in the Kali Yuga, there is not much light left in the world, the light that is left here will suffer immensely. Don’t give up hope, I am sure he is listening. Good luck with the rest of your journey.

devin41 said...

Michael, I hope your melancholia doesn't last long either. I have been stuggling with the blues quite a bit the last six months especially-I have a feeling health issues bring it on and then I get so wrapped up in the 'world' it just makes it worse. I am glad you are taking a break-I will miss you but obviously you need it. I wish I had some words of wisdom on this subject-but feeling much the same as you -I don't-I am particularly bluesy today. Take care of yourself and you will be in my thoughts. Peace-Devin

Michael said...

Thanks for the comments, and I'll see ya'll a bit later.


FilmNoir23 said...

Your faith is your's not for me to trash it..but ummm, you answer a lot of your own questions in my mind. Personally, I've never understood how homosexuals or any other marginalized group could ever accept Christianity (or any other organized religion for that matter).

I agree with Christopher that time off now and again is good for the long haul.

If you ever need someone to converse with you know where to find me, my friend. Hang in there!

Jake Kotze said...

Good Sir

"This 2 sHHall pass"

You have inspired much joy in my life.

Fare well until your inevitable return 2 joy and hopeful return to blogging.


Anadæ said...

As you've brought joy to all our lives who immerse ourselves in your musings, here, go to Reverend Max'x Gnostic Friends Network, a cartoony treatment of the heretical Gnostic Christian pantheon & et cetera:

Yes, as in, Jesus said to love thine. I Gno that I've thrown that out there to mainstays in the blogosphere B4 ... also, He Who Is Like God, this's the very reason I quit drinking, smoking, and "partying"; that kind of chemical modulating of my own unique & already most ideosyncratic perceptions were only being hampered, tampered with, and/or skewed, discarnate engrafters syphoning off my chi or no. Also, the indigenous religion of my Thüringian "Hulder Volk" forebears was essential to my Recovery from adulterants & Bible-thumping Churchianity, too ( :-)}

See you again soon, Son. Best elfin-faery wishes from high atop Apple Mountain, awe-ways ~ Anadæ

Esperanto Grrl said...

You know, this reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine, who had a history of schizophrenia in his family.

After meeting me, she told her son, "I don't think that Cristina is the devil...I do however, believe the devil occasionally acts through her."

Michael said...

Well still blue, but feeling better. I seem to have lost my rudder for now, and that is always disconcerting. Concerning Xtianity and such, I know... sigh. Thanks for the thoughts.

aferrismoon said...

Try some John Donne , reading aloud always moves stuff


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