A Footman's Holiday

I just told my sis to go f*ck off, in so many words. So this is one of those personal posts.

I had a weird dream last winter about a tsunami that struck Seattle and left it in ruins, and my family hardly noticed because they were so focused on getting my sister all prettied up to go the royal ball, and for some reason it was up to me to get her there, because I was the only one with working transportation (a cool little motorcycle). So off we went into the devastation, me in my goggles and she in her ball gown and glass slippers, and then I woke up.

Since then, sis has broken her hip, and she needs frequent trips in to see the doctor, and I’ve become her designated driver when her boyfriend isn’t available (during the day). So I’ve been doing this four hour taxi service for months, and when I pick her up she needs her shoes put on because she can’t bend over to do that, and so I’m kneeling in front of her, putting on her “slippers”...

Sis has an old Cannondale mountain bike she inherited from our brother, which she was storing at my house, and I’d sort of gotten to coveting the sleek aluminium frame and knobby tires, and asked her if I could have it, and she would “yes” or “maybe” depending on her mood, but last week she called to tell me that she was sending over her current boyfriend to pick it up because she’d given it to him, and I admit to not reacting very well.

I told her she could find her own damn pumpkin to the doctor from now on.

I think I have Cinderella issues. And I pity the fools who are associated with synchromystics, because you never know what role you’re about to play.

Concerning the above image, that's what you get when you google Disney + footman, I have no idea why he's a frog.

Wake Up Call

SAM I am, the Hammering Man

Yesterday I went to visit sis for lunch (bro and I used to call her “twisted sister”, so there ya go) who didn’t remember I was coming over at noon because she was passed out in bed with a half empty magnum of Gallo’s finest standing silent witness. I gently nudged her shoulder and spoke quietly to try to awaken her so as to not cause a start, as I took out the phone and began to dial 911. She moved a bit and mumbled. Good. Saturday wasn’t going to be a 911 day.

Today, I find myself sending a belated April Fools letter to a friend.

All pathos and comedy aside, It sort of snuck up on me. I’M the one who is asleep! I’m in this dualistic  nightmare and I can’t wake up!!! Islamo-Secular? Commie-Fascist?? Hello? It’s not just me. The very fact that our political discourse has suddenly become an insane conjunction of opposites is just par for the golf course of dualism realizing its singularity.

You know, I hate to admit it, but I actually threatened a hammer at the man in the mirror today. Apparently gentle nudges and speaking quietly is not working. I’m not just asleep, I’m comatose. I dunno, maybe threats will work. It seems to work for everyone else, why not try it on my Self?  Sometimes, it takes a bit of, shall we say, “theatrics”, to wake up. Wake up! Wake the fuck up!!!

Female Trouble

God, what a week. My sister self-destructs, and then Ginger, our "rescue" terrier, takes another bite out of the BF.

I was thinkin' about Sis again. She apparently had this warrant out for her arrest because she was driving under the influence and hit a garbage truck (WM logo, BTW) last year. And instead of going to court and facing up, she ummm, goes to Hawaii INSTEAD! So she gets back, and things seem all fine and she has a lie about everything to make the family think every thing's cool, but secretly the cops have her number, and she knows it! So it eats at her, and eats at her, and she listens to a neighbor who tells her she's looking at at LEAST 5 years in the slammer and the paranoia basically makes her CRAZY!

Truth is, she's not a high priority for Kirkland's Finest, so they never actually get around to her arrest, until yesterday, when she totally FLIPS OUT and starts accusing everyone on her street of NARCING on her to the cops! She does this in her usual demure fashion, which would be SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS in the middle of the street using every profanity ever written!!!

Her timing is perfect, because at the same time a bunch of soccer moms are walking their precious cargo home from school right on that very same street! The mom's freak, and call the cops, who run her name, see the warrants, and come calling. So basically, Melanie's fear caused her to act in a way that caused her worst fear to manifest!

My life is a freakin' movie.

Keeping Our Heads

My sister has been acting irrationally all week. She's been calling the parents with paranoid delusions of the police being after her, thinking they were staking her out, watching her. I saw her this morning, we crossed paths as we were walking our respective dogs. She asked us some bizarre questions, and she wasn't drunk (unusual in itself) but V and I both commented afterwards that we thought she had finally gone round the bend.

Finally this evening, she makes another panicky call to mom, and according to her boyfriend, she was throwing clothes on the bed, packing, ready to make a run for it! Finally she bolts out of the house onto the street, running smack into the cops!

As it turns out, she had a bench warrant out for her arrest from last year (stemming from a DUI), and the ever speedy Kirkland Keystone Cops had finally come for her. So she wasn't paranoid delusional after all... she was telling the truth!

Stemming from my Rocket Research last month, I found that Alan Arkin (who had played Peevy Peabody - the airplane mechanic who made the rocket/grail actually work) starred in the 1979 cult classic The In-Laws, along with Peter Falk. Falk plays Vince Recardo, who tells hysterically exaggerated tales of his (CIA) consulting work in 1954 Guatemala. Arkin plays Sheldon Kornpett, mild-mannered Manhattan dentist.

As the adventures of Sheldon (Alan Arkin) and Vince become more outlandish, Sheldon becomes convinced that Vince is also insane. Still somehow he cannot abandon Vince, perhaps due to the impending marriage of their children, or perhaps due to his general decency, and goes along with his crazy schemes, having his life threatened on more than one occasion. --Wikipedia

Sheldon eventually realizes that Vince has been telling the truth about everything, and it all works out well (and profitably) for them both!

There's a lesson in there somewhere.